Peace

I am grateful for days of peace. Today is one of those days. I can feel the love of my Savior and I know He wants me to feel this peace. Tomorrow I may feel sadness, so I am taking advantage of my serenity. The girls and I are going to play some games and watch a movie together. (Cameron is having a GG date...grandma time.)

Peace is a wonderful feeling. I wish I felt like this everyday!

I miss Evan, but I will see him again.

News!

Today we had our ultrasound and everything looks great except for a little extra thickening in the heart membrane between the atrium and the ventricle. This condition is seen in normal children as well as children with down syndrome. It doesn't affect the function of the heart in any way. Since everything else measured perfectly, there is no cause for worry. We are very happy that the baby is healthy. So, it looks like we will be welcoming Savannah Louise into our family in June.

Cameron was really sad and disappointed that he was not going to have another brother. I felt really bad for him. I was really hoping that he would have another pal to wrestle and play Harry Potter with. He doesn't want to tell any of his friends that he is having another sister! Poor kid is going to be surrounded by estrogen. I feel really bad for him!

The girls are excited, of course. They were going to be happy either way. They are fighting over who is going to room with the baby!

Jim and I were somewhat surprised too. I have loved having boys. But, I am really excited to see pink once again! Kailey is almost 8 and she hates pink! I will get to dress this little angel in as much pink as I want!

I feel very blessed the Lord has allowed us to raise and nurture another child, however I am a little nervous. I know that the Lord is completely in charge and I will only be allowed to raise these children as long as He wants them here. I know I have no control over how long that will be. That makes me feel very vulnerable. I never thought about things such as this before Evan passed away. I always thought my children would outlive me. I don't think like that anymore....for I know it is not always true. It does not matter how loving, caring or vigilant a parent may be. When the Lord calls one of his angels home, it's time. We are the ones left grieving and hoping the day of reuniting comes quickly.

When friends and loved ones ask, "Aren't you so excited to be having another baby?" I answer with a heavy heart. Of, course I am, but I wish I had Evan too. That's how I want to answer. I think of Evan more than I think that I am pregnant. It stills feel surreal....Evan gone...me having another baby! This is my reality...this is our family's reality...Savannah knows Evan right now, but will forget him when she is born. Our family will then have the giant role to teach her about her brother, Evan from Heaven.

I am worried about what kind of mother I will be to her. I feel like I want to be happy for her and not have to hide behind the sadness I feel. Will she recognize the sadness and emptiness I feel. Will I bring her the happiness that Evan brought us? I know I have changed and I feel nervous about bringing her into this world. I want to hold and protect her from all the dangers. I know I cannot...I just want her to feel joy despite our family's tragedy. I pray for peace as our family continues enduring until the end.

Evan from Heaven

I decided to post these newborn pictures of Evan. I don't think anyone except my immediate family have seen these pictures. The pictures are a little disturbing, I apologize for that. It is healing for me to start at the beginning. Evan came into this world in much distress. The cord was wrapped so tightly around him that it had to be cut before he was actually delivered. When he came out, he was completely bruised all over his face and head. He also had bruising on his left shoulder where the cord was also wrapped around. He did not completely open his eyes for about 3 weeks. When he tried, they were completely red because of the broken blood vessels. He had immediate breathing issues which they termed "grunting." These breathing problems later resulting in a diagnosis of asthma. The doctors said the bruising would last several weeks. Jim gave Evan a blessing and by the time we left the hospital two days later, the bruising was almost completely gone. Because of the bruising, Evan was in a lot of pain....so those first few weeks were difficult. We couldn't give him any pain medication because he needed to be monitored for fevers. It was so difficult to be his mother and not be able to take away his pain.

He really was a miracle baby and we are grateful for the short 23 months we had him here with us. We are blessed with the knowledge that we will see him again. I just cannot wait until that day...how sweet that reunion will be! I think of that everyday!

Evan's 1st picture. He weighed 8lbs 12 oz....thank

goodness I was induced two weeks early because

he would have been close to 10lbs!

His little face was blueish purple...you can

see all the broken capillaries in his skin.

His mouth was gasping for breath.My dad sent this little CHP token with

my mom who was actually at Evan's birth.

You can see the blue around his lips and

his swollen eye lids.

The kids were so excited to finally meet baby Evan!

Two days later. The purple is gone. He is still bruised,

but his breathing seems to be under control.

More Memories of Evan, Month 1 Through his first Birthday

Evan 1 month. The bruising has

healed and he is already a love bug!

Evan at 2 months. His big brother Cameron
adores him. Evan is turning out to be quite
a chunk!
Evan at 3 months. Kailey refers to Evan as her
baby. She prayed for a blue eyed and blond
hair brother.
Evan at 4 months. He is learning to scoot all
over...I am trying to keep him on the blanket...
but he is determined to grow up fast.
He still has blue eyes!
Evan at 5 months. As you can see Evan has
huge lips! He also has his mouth open a lot
because he has issues with wheezing. He is on
lots of medicine for asthma etc.... This medicine
keeps him awake a lot!!!! We think this condition
is linked back to his breathing issues from birth.
We pray he outgrows it.
Evan at 6 months. He is a ray of sunshine! He
can bring sparkles of light by just observing his
smile. We love this kid!
Evan at 7 months. He had a great
time watching the kids decorate
Easter Eggs.
Evan at 8 months. We went to celebrate
Kailey's 6th birthday at school. Kailey wanted
to show all her friends, Evan. She also wanted
to impress everyone that she was strong enough
to carry this tank!
Evan at 9 months. This kid has
found his tongue and loves to stick
it out all the time! He gets around
everywhere...I just love his skin...it
is so soft and gushy!
Evan at 10 months. Happy 4th! Evan
has become quite the daddy's boy...
at least Jim has one! Look at those
hands!
Evan at 11 months. Cameron loves
to walk Evan around the house. He
is a really great big brother to Evan!

Evan turns 1 year old! He was so

excited for his new wheels! It is sad

that this is the only birthday we could

celebrate with him.

It's About Time

It's been almost a month since my last post! I decided before I go to Yoga this morning, that I better just finally write!

Time is a funny thing. It passes so quickly even despite my best efforts to keep it in my hands. I have always cherished my time. I enjoy time with my kids, my husband, my family, and my friends...even once in awhile if there is TIME, I might hide away and read or dream.

Tomorrow will be 5 months since Evan passed away....again...how has that much TIME gone by? How have I survived this long without his cute chubby face, strong body, big hands, luscious lips, and long curly blond hair? How much more Time will I have to pass through before I see him again? I have felt the peace of the spirit through this grieving process, but on some days, the waves of grief hit me so hard as if no Time has passed at all. One of those Tsunami's hit me the day after Christmas and the aftermath left me gripping onto the shore for many days afterward. But, the healing power of the spirit has once again lifted me off the ground and is carrying my burden. Today I feel the Comforter. When will be the next TIME another Tsunami hits? Only TIME knows.

I appreciate your love, support, and understanding. Especially my friends that I didn't call for 1 week after that Tsunami. Thanks for still loving me.