Just Let Me Cry

Just let me cry, written by Hilary Weeks

(picture taken at Time Out For Women)

Sundays are always the worse day for my grief. When the grief hits, it just trickles into the week. Sunday was one of those days. As you know, Evan passed away on a Sunday...I remember how cute he looked in his white shirt and tie and bare feet.....his shoes always came off because every shoe was always too narrow for him....so off with the shoes!! I remember thinking how dang cute he was and how much I loved those feet! Each Sunday I am reminded of the emptiness on the pew....no more bare feet, no more tagging Daddy along by the shirt tail counting the members of the congregation (that's Jim's job). No more smiling faces from members who thought Evan was the cutest thing.....I knew he was...I loved him...I loved taking him to church...he loved everything about church....helping Daddy, eating snacks, running in the hall, nursery (oh, how he loved the parachute!), playing with members sitting behind us...Sundays are so dang hard now!

My brother, our new Bishop, gave a very inspiring lesson on searching the scriptures for answers....he also mentioned that he had only been Bishop for 7 months.....which triggered in me "7 months without Evan," they share the same anniversary. I thought how in one moment 7 months can feel so short in regards of a postion, but feel like an eternity with a loss of a loved one.

Sundays are so hard.

Then Monday came. We went to talk with our mortuary about Evan's permanent marker....I knew this was going to be difficult. Of course, I start crying during the process.....

That night was hard.....more tears until I was so tired, I just collasped to sleep.



Just Let Me Cry is a song written by Hilary Weeks. It has brought me comfort as well as many tears. What I love about this song is that it speaks to me...this is how I feel.

These are the Lyrics:

I believe that everything happens for a reason
We're not just tossed by the wind or left in the hands of fate
But sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected and we're
forced to face our deepest pain



When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under
I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground
Still at times the hurt inside grows stronger
And there's nothing I can do but let it out

Just let me cry
I know it's hard to see
But the pain I feel
Isn't going away today
Just let me cry
Till every tear has fallen
Don't ask when and don't ask why
Just let me cry

When I agreed that God could put this heart
inside me
I understood that there would be a chance that it
would break
But I know He knows exactly how I'm feeling
And I know in time He'll take the pain away
But for now

Just let me cry
I know it's hard to see
But the pain I feel
Isn't going away today
Just let me cry
Till every tear has fallen
Don't ask when and don't ask why
Just let me cry

I have felt joy the kind that makes my hear
want to sing
And so my tears are not a surrender
I'll feel that way again
But for now
For this moment

Just let me cry
I know it's hard to see
But the pain I feel
Isn't going away today
Just let me cry
Till every tear has fallen
Don't ask when and don't ask why
Just let me cry

I believe that everything happens for
a reason

Sweet Assurance

I just wanted to thank you all for your love and prayers. I have truly felt lifted and comforted this weekend. The Lord is so mindful of us and directs us when we follow the whisperings of the spirit. I was able to get through my essay with relative grace, only because I felt the prayers of the many. I felt Evan's loving spirit near me and whispering his love for me.

Following the spirit is interesting....now I say it in that regard because when I was asked to write the essay, I knew the words would just come to me, but I didn't realize the Lord would wake me up 2:00 AM to sit at the computer and write my essay. That is exactly what happened. I woke up completely awake and tried so hard to go back to sleep, but all I heard was, "It's time, now." So I obeyed that whispering and the words just flowed onto my computer screen. I guess sometimes the Lord needs our life to be completely quiet in order for us to hear the words He wants us to say. The tranquility of the spirit is something I marvel at.

After I read the essay on Saturday, many other women came up to me and shared stories of how they lost their children. I was quite touched and honored to be able to validate the feelings of a bereaved mother. I know the Lord is mindful of each one of us and provides people, opportunities, and situations in which we can help and support one another. He does not want us to grieve alone. I was able to meet one mother in particular that lost her son because of a drowning accident too. Her son passed away 12 years ago and to realize that she has made it 12 years without him physically here was comforting to me....It made me realize that I can make it on this crooked path I must walk on now. This is not the road I thought I would travel, but it is my road now, nevertheless. The other thing I realized while she was telling me her story and watching her tears freely fall, was that the grief never goes away, but the comfort of the atonement of Christ mends us on a daily basis so we can finish our path that we are meant to follow.

I had many other sweet assurances during the weekend as well. The love of my friends, family, and people I don't even know well are a true support and crutch for me. I've realized they love me and will be readily available when I need them to carry me through the dark times and lonely days of grief.

Some fun moments of the weekend. I was able to meet Michael McLean, Hilary Weeks and Chieko Okasaki! Lisa B and I actually got to escort Sis. Okasaki to her hotel. What a remarkable woman.....age 82 and as beautiful and vibrant as always. It was fun to be a part of Time Out For Women and feel the sweet assurance that God Lives, He loves ME, and He knows ME.

Humbled

As I mentioned before, I submitted the "Sweet Assurance," essay to Time Out For Women...well, I was contacted today and asked if I would read my essay at the Orlando conference! This is not going to be an easy task! This years presenters are amazing and powerful people with so much to offer. http://deseretbook.com/time-out

I was merely planning on going to the event to fill all my empty spots with the sweet assurance of the spirit. I was also planning on crying a lot in the company of friends.....not necessarily in front of 1500 or so people! I really pray that I will be able to hold myself together...at least for the short essay that I will read. I don't care if I cry later. Crying is something that I do now, the same as breathing, they have become quite synonymous.

The conference is this weekend, March 20 and March 21st. I will be reading my essay around 10:30 AM on Saturday. PLEASE, if you wouldn't mind, say an extra prayer for me. I would really appreciate it!

Thank you for your continued love and support for me and my family. I feel your love and prayers, without them, I would not be where I am right now. I am in a good place today.

Time Out For Women Essay: Sweet Assurance

I was asked to write a short essay for the Time Out For Women Orlando conference. It is titled, "I have sweet assurance because I know_______."

This was an extremely difficult task as is writing on this blog because sometimes those intimate details are so hard to convey on paper or in print. Also, to sum up my "sweet assurance" in a short essay proved to be difficult as well as emotional.

I will include my essay.

I have sweet assurance because I know the atonement of Jesus Christ is real.

There have been several experiences recently that have assured me of the personal love of the Savior and effect of His Atonement, but August 10th 2008, will always have a place in my heart and soul. That is the day my life changed forever. It is the date in which part of me still resides. That is the day we lost our beautiful, magnetic, vivacious 23 month old, Evan to a drowning accident. The feelings of grief and turmoil we have felt since that day have been intense and are indescribable unless one has experienced them. I always knew becoming a mother would be my greatest joy, but never realized the infinite amount of love I feel could translate to the most incredible pain. The pain, the emptiness, and the hole in my heart…how could I mend them?

I first had to relearn to breathe. By far, that basic, unnoticed physiological skill was the most difficult step to take because the last thing I wanted to do was to breathe. I still have to remind myself to breathe when the waves of grief take me down to the depths of the ocean of tears. The waves of grief are incredibly enormous and holding onto my life preserver is the only thing that keeps me from completely drowning. This life preserver is my Savior, Jesus Christ.

My Savior, and I call Him mine, because through this heart wrenching experience, I have come to truly know Him and His love for me. I have always felt my Savior’s love throughout my life. He has been a part of me for as long as I remember. I have felt His hand guide me as I have made choices and decisions in my life. I have always felt my life was blessed because of keeping the commandments and staying on the straight and narrow path. I taught about living a righteous life and about the atonement of Jesus Christ when I was a missionary and the blessings that come from it. But, until I went through this sorrow of losing our precious son, I never understood the magnitude of the atonement.

Our Savior, suffered for us, for me. He understands my grief, my pain. He understands because He experienced it vicariously for me. I have felt Him fill my heart with love and healing. He has lifted me when I could not stand, strengthened me when I felt so weak I could not go on, and pulled me out of the depths of the ocean of grief so I can live. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ, I have felt mended. He is the only one who can mend me. Even when my threads become loose, He always has time to sew me up again. I have learned that I can come to Him over and over and He never tires of hearing my soul’s complaints. He has promised me the sweet assurance that I will see my precious Evan again. That assurance is what gives me the strength to endure until I meet Evan’s warm embrace.

Perspective

One of my dear friends sent me this email and I wanted to post it because it caused me to reflect and bring perspective back into my existence.

"Let me first preface this by telling you I'm having quite the emotional turn today! I'm sitting here thinking and crying. And above all else, I hope this doesn't come across as being insensitive.

Something crossed my mind when you lost Evan. I cried and cried and almost felt grateful I don't have children because of how hurt you and Jim have been. At the time, I told Mark about my feelings and he told me that even one day of happiness from a child in our lives would be worth any amount of pain. Please tell me the joy from the small time you had with Evan far exceeded all the terrible pain you've gone through! I guess this baby coming is making me think of all the possibilities, both good and bad. I'm a nervous wreck today!

Love, Casey"

This was my reply to Casey:

Thank you for your words. Yes, of course having Evan was a tremendous blessing if only for 23 months. When he was born, I had this feeling that Jim needed to give him a blessing immediately...he had breathing issues etc...somehow, the nurses and doctor were all out of the room at the perfect time. We both have felt that his life was extended because of that blessing. Sometimes I feel like it would have been easier to have let go of him at birth, but I truly am grateful that I actually got to know his personality. His personality brought our family so much joy. It gives me even more purpose to look forward to that brighter day of ressurection. I know that his memories will someday be all happy ones and we will no longer have to deal with remembering his death when we think of him.

I am so happy that you are having a baby. I truly feel like the Lord has an urgency to get these spirits down quickly. I am grateful that I have been able to be part of the creation process once again. Even though my perspectives have changed a little, hopefully for the better, I know I will someday become a better mother and human being because of what I've been through.

I've realized that Heavenly Father does hear me, but sometimes does not answer me in the way I think I want it, BUT he has poured out his spirit to heal me...and sometimes I have to grieve alone, just as the Savior was alone for a time in the garden...it has made me feel more compassionate and understanding of others trials.

So yes, when asked in the premortal life if I would accept my life with the trial of losing Evan, I am sure I said yes without hesitation. My role was to provide a physical body for a perfect spirit. I feel blessed to have had that opportunity. It's just getting past the human heart that I am sure I was unaware of up there. But the human heart is one I would not replace either.