Before I include the reason for this post, I just needed to get out some emotion...I will be updating soon....
Emotions
I find it difficult lately to put words to my feelings...actually putting sentences together proves to be very difficult.....probably because I have had interrupted sleep for way too long now....I have had no motivation to teach Savannah to sleep through the night....I am afraid to put her in another room for fear of death....not that I am afraid of death, but.....you know, children do die, It really does happen, and it could happen again even with my best effort.... Now, I don't want you all to be worried about my statements....I believe in God, I believe He has a plan for all his children, and I believe we will be together with our children in Heaven one day, but being mere mortal now, I have intensified human emotions at play here... I did lose a precious child, one that cannot be replaced nor duplicated...My heart has a huge hole in it....Savannah helps put "band aids" on it (she came with a "box of band aids" for example her smiles, her noises, her love etc etc.) however, the "band aids" need to be changed often....the hole will always be there and it leaks sadness sometimes...I will always miss Evan...I think of Evan constantly....I miss everything about him! This life is so long....I mark down the days of the calendar....hopeful that the more days I mark off, the sooner I will see him............
Now the reason for posting today.
Reflections
Cameron our now 5 year old son lost his only brother when he was 4. Evan was everything to Cameron. Roommate, swinging partner, Harry Potter fan, baseball lover, wrestling partner, popcorn eating buddy, gang up on sisters advocate, brother and best friend.....the list can go on and on....
I can't imagine what it has been like inside Cameron's head for the last year..... Right after Evan died, Cameron stopped talking, then progressed to baby talk, then developed hyperactivity traits. If you knew Cameron before Evan died, he was an extremely good talker, well behaved, and just the sweetest kid ever....he is different now. Yes, he is still sweet, he now talks....not to everyone....and I have noticed that he doesn't use his mouth muscles as he should to speak....if you watch him talk, he could be a ventriloquist....why didn't I notice that this last year....I don't know if I should put him in speech or if he is fine...you can understand what he says....maybe he will just have a job as a ventriloquist someday...ha!...he is a smart kid, he reads and comprehends what he reads...I don't worry about him academically....just emotionally....it makes me so sad that he has such heartache at such a young age...
The prayer
Cameron's prayers for the last year have included, "please bless that Evan will come back"...everyday for a year now....we talked to him about this, but he still prays for this wish...(I wish the same thing)....and "please bless that no one else in my family will die" yes, same thing for a year now....When Savannah was born, his prayer included that "please bless that Savannah will grow up and not die" and then two nights ago he prayed, "please bless that Evan will come back, please bless that Savannah will be a good wife and that everyone else in my family will live." Last night he prayed all the same as listed previously except now included "please bless that Savannah will be a mother." I believe he is praying these things for Savannah because he fears that she will die before she grows up to be a wife and mother.....What a terrible thing for a 5 year old to have to feel....I am sad because of the loss of Evan and for the grief Jim and I deal with on a daily basis....but I am deeply saddened and troubled because my children have this extra burden that they unfortunately have to carry that most children (thank goodness) will never have to experience.
Emotions
I find it difficult lately to put words to my feelings...actually putting sentences together proves to be very difficult.....probably because I have had interrupted sleep for way too long now....I have had no motivation to teach Savannah to sleep through the night....I am afraid to put her in another room for fear of death....not that I am afraid of death, but.....you know, children do die, It really does happen, and it could happen again even with my best effort.... Now, I don't want you all to be worried about my statements....I believe in God, I believe He has a plan for all his children, and I believe we will be together with our children in Heaven one day, but being mere mortal now, I have intensified human emotions at play here... I did lose a precious child, one that cannot be replaced nor duplicated...My heart has a huge hole in it....Savannah helps put "band aids" on it (she came with a "box of band aids" for example her smiles, her noises, her love etc etc.) however, the "band aids" need to be changed often....the hole will always be there and it leaks sadness sometimes...I will always miss Evan...I think of Evan constantly....I miss everything about him! This life is so long....I mark down the days of the calendar....hopeful that the more days I mark off, the sooner I will see him............
Now the reason for posting today.
Reflections
Cameron our now 5 year old son lost his only brother when he was 4. Evan was everything to Cameron. Roommate, swinging partner, Harry Potter fan, baseball lover, wrestling partner, popcorn eating buddy, gang up on sisters advocate, brother and best friend.....the list can go on and on....
I can't imagine what it has been like inside Cameron's head for the last year..... Right after Evan died, Cameron stopped talking, then progressed to baby talk, then developed hyperactivity traits. If you knew Cameron before Evan died, he was an extremely good talker, well behaved, and just the sweetest kid ever....he is different now. Yes, he is still sweet, he now talks....not to everyone....and I have noticed that he doesn't use his mouth muscles as he should to speak....if you watch him talk, he could be a ventriloquist....why didn't I notice that this last year....I don't know if I should put him in speech or if he is fine...you can understand what he says....maybe he will just have a job as a ventriloquist someday...ha!...he is a smart kid, he reads and comprehends what he reads...I don't worry about him academically....just emotionally....it makes me so sad that he has such heartache at such a young age...
The prayer
Cameron's prayers for the last year have included, "please bless that Evan will come back"...everyday for a year now....we talked to him about this, but he still prays for this wish...(I wish the same thing)....and "please bless that no one else in my family will die" yes, same thing for a year now....When Savannah was born, his prayer included that "please bless that Savannah will grow up and not die" and then two nights ago he prayed, "please bless that Evan will come back, please bless that Savannah will be a good wife and that everyone else in my family will live." Last night he prayed all the same as listed previously except now included "please bless that Savannah will be a mother." I believe he is praying these things for Savannah because he fears that she will die before she grows up to be a wife and mother.....What a terrible thing for a 5 year old to have to feel....I am sad because of the loss of Evan and for the grief Jim and I deal with on a daily basis....but I am deeply saddened and troubled because my children have this extra burden that they unfortunately have to carry that most children (thank goodness) will never have to experience.
7 comments:
My heart aches for all of you when I read your post. Getting through the grief process is so complicated and unique for each person. Cameron is lucky to have you there to support him and love him!
Know that we still pray for you all the time.
Angela, I am so sorry for the loss Cameron feels! I have to say that, as a mother, most of my thoughts and prayers have been with you. I'm going to add Cameron to my prayers, and the girls, too. Thank goodness for the gospel, and that you are able to tell Cameron with certainty where his beloved brother is. Hugs to you and your family! ~Jennifer
Oh, how my heart breaks reading this post. I'm so sorry for the pain and agony that you are all experiencing. You are amazingly strong and such a beautiful example of loving your children. No one can even begin to comprehend what you and others like you are experiencing. I can only understand what I feel and it is a terrible loss and pain. And, yes, daily dad and I talk about it. It never goes away. We grieve for you and each one of your children and Jim. I remember just the fear of losing a child (temporarily)and the anguish and sickness that came over me. I can't even imagine if it would have been permanent. I would have lost it, you know it and I know it. I'm so grateful that you are so amazingly strong, that your spiritual roots have been planted so deeply. Sunday, in R.S., I wanted to share about you and how you are handling adversity (what the lesson was on), but I simply couldn't, I wasn't strong enough. Please know that I feel your pain, the deep hollowness inside, your sadness. It overwhelms me at times, somehow I know when it's worse for you, the feelings I get are so strong. I'm so sorry I can't take it away. I put each of your family's name on the temple prayer roll each week, so there will never be a gap in the abundancy of prayers coming your way. I love you...mom
Angela:
Oh, it just breaks my heart to hear about Cameron. Oh, it's just so hard! My son Tyler has had a really hard time lately. He is entering the teenage years. He's trying to figure all of that out but has to try and figure out the grief he is feeling as well. It's especially hard for him since Wyatt was his only brother as well. It's just plain hard. I will pray for your sweet Cameron. It's so unfair what we have to go through losing a child but even more unfair for what our kids have to go through. Sending a hug your way...give Cameron one too.
Love,
Andrea
Angela,
I always want to say something after reading your posts, but it always seems so trite after the way that you write. Your words are definitely a window to your soul.
I would like to say that I have learned so much from you this past year. I have learned things that I NEVER wanted to imagine. I have learned that things don't always work out the way that we want. That things aren't always for the best. That life ends too soon for some and leaves everyone else behind to try and move on.
Cameron breaks my heart. It isn't fair that this sweet little boy should feel the pain that you know so well. As a mother, I know that it must seem unbearable at times.
I hope that you know that there is an army of prayers everyday on your families behalf. We love you and your family. We talk everyday about Evan and we pray everyday about you.
I miss Cam's sweetness. Remember when I was there we heard him talking to Savannah and telling her "I won't let anything bad happen to you and I won't let you drown." Oh how that broke my heart that this little 5 year old was carrying such a burden on his shoulders. I want to take that away from him, but I think that's his way of grieving. At least he knows he can talk to his Heavenly Father and He will listen.
Catching up on your blog today has me all weepy. Its so easy to be so far away and not experience the pain your family has had to endure these last 16 months. Reading your blog has me facing all the grief that has been yours for so long. It is painful. Once again, I am sooo sorry for your loss. I wish that accident never happened. It hurts to think of it. Im sorry you have had to face this. :(
Cameron is such a sweetheart. He is such a sensitive boy and I just adore him. He is a very special part of our family. xoxox
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