Where to begin?
23 months....
Yes, I know it's been more than 23 months since Evan passed away, more like 3 years this August 10...
23 months...
23 months is how old Savannah will be in 2 weeks...
23 months is how long Evan lived...
23 months is too short to live...
23 months is not enough time...
23 months is not quite two...
23 months is scary, will Savannah see two?
23 months is summer again...
23 months is swimming...
23 months is now ISR... (Infant Swimming Resource)
23 months is watching Savannah float...
23 months is knowing Evan couldn't...
23 months is seeing Evan in Savannah...
23 months is just two weeks away...
23 months is worrisome...
23 months is hope...
23 months is almost here again...
23 months is faith...
23 months is still more room for growth...
23 months is finally getting Evan's Grave Marker...
23 months is a hard month...
23 months is emotional...
23 months is strength...
23 months is not taken for granted...
23 months is fleeting...
23 months is here...
23 months...
20 comments:
Our love and prayers are always with you and your beautiful family. Our mission is 23 months as well......I don't know that it is long enough either. We love you hon.
Angela, my heart is with you this month. I have not had the opportunity to hit that "mark" yet so I can only imagine all the emotions flying around. We love you guys so much. I will keep you in my prayers so that you will have the strength to make it through this time. Love you!
(As a little side note, Nathan wanted to invite Cameron to his birthday party this month. It was so sweet. I was sad to tell him that cameron was too far away) :o(
We are thinking of you and praying for you and your family, always. We love you Angela!
I'm thinking of you every day.
My heart is full for you. Your family is in our prayers.
Always praying for you and missing you guys like crazy!! You are so strong but you have to be all the time. Feel how you feel and let the tears come.
I think of you often. I've wondered where you have been and how you are doing. I remember Brookie nearing 2 1/2 years. Wondering if she would surpass Kamber's age without any problems. That milestone is all that you said and my heart is with you.
Love Ya
Jen Larsen (angel Kamber's mom)
Hi Angela, thinking of and praying for you during this time, and always. love, elaine
My heart truly reaches out for you guys. It is one of my biggest fears to loose someone I love, especially one of my little ones, before they have had a full life. Everything you are doing is so awesome. Thank you so much for your strength, and your kind wonderful heart, and living on for him. We are so lucky, as Latter Day Saints to know that we can be together forever. Also it is refreshing to know that you will have a chance to raise him in the second coming. Then the world will be a better place. My mother lost one of my little sisters to crib death three days after she was born. Whenever I asked her about it and how she got on, those were something that she said comforted her. You guys are in our hearts and in our prayers. If anything this experience has made you stronger and smarter. Thank you for sharing with us and in turn passing on some of that strength and knowledge. I am definitely going to do the ISR lessons for my little Brenna this summer. Thank you.
Watching Savannah's ISR refresher video clip brought that very thought to me, that she has reached Evan's age on Earth. I know this is a very emotional, tender time for you, and I'm so thankful that you take the time to share yourself with all of us. Know that you are thought of more often than you can know, that even people you don't know are with you in thought and prayer. Know, too, that Evan is close by, loving you, so happy that he brought sunshine into your life. I love you dearly, Angela. YOU are sunshine.
I worried for about 2 months before Cyrus surpassed the age Loughlin was when he died. I had lost Rhiannon before that also. So having a child older that 15 was a very hard concept to deal with. Then it was getting his permit, then I am sure it will be his licence, then graduation, college, mission...Every milestone is difficult. My heart is with you.
thanks for sharing- missed hearing from you!
Always thinking of you, Jim, and your family. Thank you for your post. Love you so-Gladys and family
I've been thinking the same thing lately. I have Evans picture on our fridge (he's wearing the red plaid short/jumper polo brand outfit) and was reminded of him again as I was getting out the 12 months clothes that were his that Chase now gets to wear. Including that very outfit I have a picture of Evan in. I love it when he wears Evans clothes because I love remembering what he looked like in them. Thank you for letting us use the clothes! Evan is never forgotten around our house. ;) Love you so much sis. Remember to call me whenever you need me.
You are a brave and honest soul. Honest emotions and thoughts and heartfelt. Love to you and your family.
All of a sudden I had a fleeting thought of my two boys on missions and my first thought was that this is one of the things you would miss experiencing with Evan.
My next thought came with much more impact - NOT SO! He is already on his mission. You can think each day what missionary experience he is having TODAY!
I know that thought doesn't take away the desire to have him here and now - but perhaps something to hold onto and new rays of hope and wonder to consider each day. Love you and your family! Melanie
I know this is a bit long, but I mentioned this blog to my mom, and asked if she could tell me a bit about how she dealt with Tammie's death. I hope this helps you as it has helped me understand things more clearly.
"I think Tammy's unexpected death has influenced our whole family more than we realize. Carrie was almost over-guarding of her little girls when they were babies. I'm sure she still is.
I think we all learned that death is part of life. I certainly got over my fear of death, somehow, realizing that WE are the ones that miss, but the one who dies is OK. When one thinks that EVERYONE will die, no matter how important one is in this life. And it's what one does in this life that makes the difference. Some don't have to face the difficulties of life, they're already perfect.
When Tammy died Dad said, "this life is very, very short, even if one lives to 100". For some reason that really stuck with me and gave me a new perspective on life. Here are the trials, not after this life, and it depends on what we do now that will make a difference where we are in the hereafter.
A little child is lucky if they die, because the scriptures teach they are perfect so automatically go to Heavenly Father. Once Daddy said, "Tammy was so perfect that she didn't have to go through all the trials of this life."
We can't help having guilt, that "what if" feeling. I put Tammy in a plastic car carrier that I found in the garbage. It was so new and pretty and I wanted to be "fashionable" with the modern way to transport children in the car. On May 15th it was really chilly and so I wrapped her up to keep warm. In those days they taught all mothers to NEVER lay a baby on their back, they might spit up and drown on their own vomit. So, foolishly, I laid her on her stomach, in a plastic car bed, wrapped up to keep her warm. I'm pretty sure she suffocated. It would be hard for me to live with myself if two things hadn't happened.
First is when Joe, age 3, kept asking, "When are they coming to take her away?", over and over and over. The second thing is that I NEVER went without checking on my babies for such a long time. I'd had a visitor and she stayed, and stayed, and stayed. I was so exhausted I could hardly stand it when she finally left. I thought, "I'm so glad the baby is still asleep so I can rest" without checking on her. All of a sudden I realized she was too quiet and I jumped up and.... Somehow I think the Lord helped me sleep to help me cope with the tragedy, because I feel so strongly that He knew what was going to take place.
Think of the lessons we had to learn the hard way. First, no one "owns" their children. It is such an honor to be a parent. 2nd, this life is short no matter how old we are when we die. 3rd, Heavenly Father loves us and gives us hard experiences so we desire to learn His Plan. 4th, life after death must be wonderful.
You could send this to Angela if you know how. I'm afraid I don't know how. I think the hardest thing to live with is the guilt. I NEVER put my babies into their own bed, until they got older, I ALWAYS nursed them in bed - which was a big NO, NO. "That's what causes crib death!". After that I listened to my instincts.
Hang in there! This is definitely an odd time for you. We went through it when our Jocelyn passed our Evan at 15 months...what's interesting now is that when I think of Evan, I think of him as Jocelyn's age....like he's aging right along with her.
Thanks for sharing your feelings. We are sending love your way!
Oh Angela, I cried as I read this post. How true the feelings. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm thankful for almost 23 months to have gotten to know little Savannah, see her sweet smile and have her and Henry grow UP TOGETHER.....
One step at a time, one breath at a time... You are will be able to get past this day and thrive.
Your heavenly Father loves you, Evan loves you. We all love you and your family. Here's to many many MANY more happy and peaceful years ahead.
Oh, sweet daughter of mine! I've felt Evan close so many times this past couple of weeks. I've had so many opportunities to share his 23 months with others. He has, and is, and will be impacting many, many, many lives, as was said both in the blessing Jeff gave me to make it to Gainesville, and Elder Arnold's prayer, in the Sacramento Temple, with Pres. Winkle, for your dad and me. My heart hurts with you, and rejoices with you. I love you. mom
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