Will the Grief Ever End?

I am human; I am a mother who grieves; please read with care.

I have been gripping onto shore again....for the last several days... I feel that I just can't take another wave pulling me out...it is so hard to resurface. I have been left breathless again...how do I breathe?

The hardest part is that I have to live...despite it all....I can't be with Evan...I am here....stuck in the middle of the ocean clutching onto my life preserver....can't I just let it go...why do I have to hold on? The waves are too enormous and they pull me down to the depths...but again I come up...for a moment...for days.....for weeks.....then out of nowhere...the wave takes me down again and again. If you ever have been boogie boarding...you know physically what it feels like to hit bottom...add on emotional, mental, spiritual etc...and try to get yourself afloat. Sometimes it is so hard that I just want to stay down there and not come back up.

I want to be happy again. Yes, I do have moments of happiness. But, they are more fleeting now. Someday...will I have all of Me back? I always feel like I am missing or forgetting something... Missing Evan....for sure...he's in every thought....If you are talking to me....Evan is the forefront of my mind and sometimes I can't hear what you are saying.

Please understand, please realize everything is not okay, please let me vent and be human....please talk about Evan...please remember that I love to hear his name. Please let me say I have 4 children...Please understand if I don't want to make new friends...I don't want to start at the beginning with them...Please realize that you will probably get my anwering machine if you call....Please understand if I talk of my "angel mom's" (even though we haven't met) they are my network of friends...they completely understand what I am going through....

I took the following quote off of another "angel mom's" blog. It is fitting for me.

Grief is not linear. People kept telling me that once this happened or that passed, everything would be better. Some people gave me one year to grieve. They saw grief as a straight line, with a beginning, middle, and end. But it is not linear. It is disjointed.

One day you are acting almost like a normal person. You may even manage to take a shower. Your clothes match. You think the autumn leaves look pretty, or enjoy the sound of snow crunching under your feet. Then a song, a glimpse of something, or maybe even nothing sends you back into the hole of grief.

It is not one step forward, two steps back. It is a jumble. It is hours that are all right, and weeks that aren't. Or it is good days and bad days. Or it is the weight of sadness making you look different to others and nothing helps. Not haircuts or manicures or the Atkins Diet....Grief doesn't have a plot. It isn't smooth. There is no beginning and middle and end. -Ann Hood (Author of Comfort, a Journey through Grief)

I am a mother who grieves; I am honest; My feelings are raw; I will keep enduring....