Books from hEvan

We have been collecting books for our little program we call Books from hEvan for awhile now.  Mrs. Funderburk, Danielle's 2nd grade teacher donated books to the school library in Evan's name after he passed away.  Marsha would then take the kids out on "GG" dates and they would also buy books to donate to the school.  I wanted to make this an official program, but at the time was unable to pursue much because of the intense sadness of grief I was experiencing.  Soooo, after a few years of collecting books from friends and our kids birthday parties (they would ask for book donations instead of gifts)  we took 68 books to the elementary school and middle school where the children attend.  We designed a label with help from a friend (Melissa Palmer) that we stick inside the book that includes a picture of Evan.   I hope to have this program continue.  It is another way for Evan's legacy to continue.   If you are interested in donating books to this program, please let me know.  You can either donate to your local school and I will send you Books from hEvan labels so you can include them in the book or you can contact me and I will donate to local schools here.  Thanks, and I hope Evan's legacy will be read around the world.

Evan's Grave Marker

I am finally posting Evan's Grave Marker.   Evan's grave marker was placed on September 7, 2011 on his 5th birthday, 3 years after he passed away. Finally having a grave marker that represents Evan feels like a huge burden or weight lifted off my back.  That's the best way I can describe it.  The marker turned out more beautiful than I could have imagined.  I am so grateful.....yes, that's it...
grateful.

I wanted to be there when the grave marker was placed, just like I wanted to stay to make sure Evan was lowered there the day he was buried.  I can't explain why, but I am sure there are others who can relate to how I feel.

Every August until after Christmas is the hardest time for me.  I hope I will be able to enjoy that time of year, like I used to.  Each year gets a little better, a little easier, a little lighter. It will be 4 years this August without Evan.  How we still miss him so much, but grateful that he has such a beautiful marker as a reminder to all who see it...that a beautiful little angel once walked amongst us...

And yet another....

I am beginning to feel that my grief is contagious...

Burt and Lydia Gordon just lost their perfect, beautiful, little 4 year old angel girl. She got sick and was taken to the hospital...She is now with all the other angel babies.

I am devastated for this family. The heartache and turmoil that they must be feeling. And they have a brand new baby and 3 other children who now have to learn a new word: GRIEF. I wish hugs could go through this blog to them....I wish I could take away their anguish.

Heaven must be busy welcoming all these new angels home....

So many questions could be asked....so many.... I try to keep them in my head because there are no earthly answers. It boggles my mind if I dwell, so I no longer dwell. I firmly believe the Lord is mindful of us...we can't let go of our trust in Him....For me, it's all I have. I have to have complete trust or I would lose my faith...

So many losses in such a short time...

I guess none of us are immune to grief. At some point all us will be affected to some degree. Thank goodness there are others further along on this lonely road...you know, unfortunately, it's not so lonely anymore.

To be in the presence of angels

Our family rushed to get to the memorial service on time...we pretty much ran from the parking lot. Upon opening the chapel doors to Hailey's service, I knew I was in the presence of Angels.

The rushed feeling was gone...the feeling was replaced with warmth, serenity, and calmness. God is here.

It was inspiring to witness the strength and power this family demonstrated. Their talks were sweet and loving. What a righteous family for Hailey to be born into. What a blessing this family will have to be with such a powerful spirit one day.

Again, what heartache and turmoil will be theirs...it is a difficult road to be on. The road of grief is long and often lonely. Most people do not see the pain that is behind the smiles or the sadness left in the eyes. No one sees the hole in your heart or notices the breath that is often skipped.

But, the joy that is found in the presence of Angels is breathtaking. I closed my eyes for a moment during the service I imagined angels singing songs of comfort. Did I really hear them?

I felt the presence of my personal Angel Evan. He lifted me so I could lift a friend during her grief. I wonder, do all the angel babies attend memorial services of other angel babies? One might consider this idea.

I am grateful to know that I will be with Evan again one day. The faith, hope, and trust I have in my Savior is constant.

Men Are That They Might Have Joy

While reading the scriptures, the phrase found in 2 Nephi 2 :25 , "men are that they MIGHT have joy," caused me to reflect and ponder on its truth.

The Lord has blessed us with so much goodness in this world...I have found much beauty, truth and Joy throughout my life.

I have found that JOY is fleeting. I also have come to realize that the Lord has said, I "MIGHT" have Joy....if I "might," then I guess I must work at this in order to "Have" JOY.

So ....I will list my JOYS. These are the things that have brought or remind me of JOY.

But first I want to thank a dear friend that let me play with her little boy today while she had to go to her 6 week Doctor visit without her baby because she went back to heaven too soon....

I was able to find Joy playing with her little boy....as if Evan was here...I think he was...We played blocks, trains and ABC's, had a snack, danced, and rocked in the rocking chair...I did all the things I would have done if Evan was here...I thank this little boy for playing surrogate today....I felt Joy through my tears today....

My dog Sheba.....my childhood confident and friend....I had her from age 3 to 12, until she passed away.

My sister Ashley.....born when I was almost 13. I always prayed for a sister and finally was blessed with the sweetest one ever.

Grandparents....the best a child could ever have...the love, the understanding, the talks, the games, ....grandparents are a child's gift.....
Grandpa Towers' hikes, Bobonne's gaufrettes, Grandma Marilyn's crocheting, Grandpa Glen's fishing, Grandpa Dean's voice....

Parents....who moved to a city during my high school years because of a music program the school offered....they sacrificed for me....a parent is a child's true cheerleader and advocate...sacrificing themselves along the way...monkey's at the park...swinging so high at Mormon Center...playing hopscotch...getting a jump rope...the love....

Brothers, Adam and Aaron....who I always don't express love to....who I hope they know my love for them...

Angela, Lauren and Justin....for bringing happiness to my siblings...

Nieces and Nephews....who delight in life and gave love to Evan...

Jim's Brothers...for making Jim laugh....

Kiera...for creating beautiful memories through photography...

Jim's Parents...for raising such a righteous, loving man...

Friends... throughout the years who have been willing to sacrifice their own personal lives to lend an ear when life has thrown me some curves....the listening, the patience....the flowers, the gifts through the grief...

Aunts and Uncles

Sunsets, walks and talks on Kauai with my Auntie Gayle....

Playing Uncle Wiggly with My Uncle David...

My ever wise Aunt Lynette....making me as a child always feel welcomed in her home even though she had 7 children at home....

My Uncle Ron's big bowl of popcorn he would share with me...

Uncle Frank's quirkiness....

Uncle Brian....fast driving from BYU to HOME! (In Heaven with Evan)

Aunt Nancy's smile....(In Heaven with Evan)

Uncle Michel....the way you make my dad laugh uncontrollably....it is pure joy to watch....

Aunt Linda...my teacher trainer...your love to teach children to read became one of my purest joys! (In Heaven with Evan)

Aunt Saundra...hikes....swimming...lagoon...brown sugar macaroni

Aunt Brenda...providing fun cousins to play with!

Uncle Mark...Camping



COUSINS:

Brianne's tender spirit

Heather's hand me down clothes, driving unlike Ms. Daisy when she was 16 and I was 12...Pure joy for a 12 year to hang out with her..

Kristen...sweet words through losing Evan, and my little follower when we were young...

Baby Tamra's kisses...

Andrew sharing his room...

R.J.....when he would share his cookie dough and ice cream...

Eric...going to the temple with him when he received his endowments....

Michael....I always felt like he was my little brother....loved spending time at BYU and Florida with him...

Uncle Ryan....making Jim feel so welcomed to the family...

Shad....memories of yesteryear's when family was different and we had each other to ride bikes around the apartment complex....

Jason...summers in Utah...Lagoon...connection...

Chantele....time together in Utah, while I was at BYU....your precious Karlee

Sumerlyn....your love for life was so contagious...I loved being around you...

Ben...your H.S. grad...loved being part of it....

Becky....I wanted you for my baby sister when I didn't have one...

Ammon...beautiful blue-eyed, blond baby....

Nathan...Outgoing and fun...

Anna....sweet friend to Ashley...

Joshua...letting me give him all those practice cognitive tests when he was 5 or 6....

Madi....getting to know you shortly after losing Evan....beautiful young lady..

Andrew W. .....my youngest cousin....about Evan's age (when Evan died) when I met you....wish you could have met him....but it brought me joy to meet you...

Jim...our wedding....our life...our children...your love for me...your humility...patient...respectful...loving...knowlegeable...protector....best friend....my inspiration...my soul mate...

CHILDREN

Danielle....the moment I knew you were growing inside me...JOY...
Kailey....your sparkling eyes and beautiful voice...
Cameron...my first son...mommy's little boy....tenderness...
Evan...your life was full of life and wonder....(In Heaven)
Savannah...Evan's gift to his mommy....I see his smile through you..

Things

Florida, Colorado, Wyoming, California, Hawaii, and Utah....part of me is always there because I learned valuable truths in each of those places....

Sunsets....I really cannot get enough

Beaches....sand between my toes....

Books....for fun, but especially the scriptures...

Home...warmth....love...family....

Nature....creatures, flowers, and greenery...

Humidity...really...I love it...

Cold nights...fireplace....blankets....good book....

Hugs...

Words of Wisdom....from the Prophets, from friends, from family

The Love of a child....the purest love....My Purest Joy....

Memories cannot be taken away, even when our loved ones leave....

I cannot wait when my Joy will be full, when Evan will be back in my arms....