So many angels

I guess some of us need our personal angels....Evan I know is our family's....

Cameron has cried again for Evan...I just tell him to pray that Evan will be his guardian angel...oh how he misses his brother...

When I am feeling sad about losing Evan, I ask for Evan to be near. I always know he is close by when I am feeling peaceful.

A new family just moved into our ward from Texas. She was 36 weeks pregnant....her placenta ruptured...her baby died....another grieving mother, father, and siblings...

It breaks my heart over and over...so many people I know with broken hearts....

...so many angels to watch over us.... If you ever need an angel, I recommend Evan...

The one tender mercy I have received through all these tragedies is a deeper understanding and capacity to love.

Love does expand...We are meant to serve and help one another...

angels above and angels below....

be an angel to someone today...we need each other...

And yet another....

I am beginning to feel that my grief is contagious...

Burt and Lydia Gordon just lost their perfect, beautiful, little 4 year old angel girl. She got sick and was taken to the hospital...She is now with all the other angel babies.

I am devastated for this family. The heartache and turmoil that they must be feeling. And they have a brand new baby and 3 other children who now have to learn a new word: GRIEF. I wish hugs could go through this blog to them....I wish I could take away their anguish.

Heaven must be busy welcoming all these new angels home....

So many questions could be asked....so many.... I try to keep them in my head because there are no earthly answers. It boggles my mind if I dwell, so I no longer dwell. I firmly believe the Lord is mindful of us...we can't let go of our trust in Him....For me, it's all I have. I have to have complete trust or I would lose my faith...

So many losses in such a short time...

I guess none of us are immune to grief. At some point all us will be affected to some degree. Thank goodness there are others further along on this lonely road...you know, unfortunately, it's not so lonely anymore.

To be in the presence of angels

Our family rushed to get to the memorial service on time...we pretty much ran from the parking lot. Upon opening the chapel doors to Hailey's service, I knew I was in the presence of Angels.

The rushed feeling was gone...the feeling was replaced with warmth, serenity, and calmness. God is here.

It was inspiring to witness the strength and power this family demonstrated. Their talks were sweet and loving. What a righteous family for Hailey to be born into. What a blessing this family will have to be with such a powerful spirit one day.

Again, what heartache and turmoil will be theirs...it is a difficult road to be on. The road of grief is long and often lonely. Most people do not see the pain that is behind the smiles or the sadness left in the eyes. No one sees the hole in your heart or notices the breath that is often skipped.

But, the joy that is found in the presence of Angels is breathtaking. I closed my eyes for a moment during the service I imagined angels singing songs of comfort. Did I really hear them?

I felt the presence of my personal Angel Evan. He lifted me so I could lift a friend during her grief. I wonder, do all the angel babies attend memorial services of other angel babies? One might consider this idea.

I am grateful to know that I will be with Evan again one day. The faith, hope, and trust I have in my Savior is constant.

In loving Memory of Hailey Elizabeth Leishman, Nov 20. 2009-Nov.26 2009

Last Friday, Our friends Aaron and Melica had a healthy, beautiful baby girl, named Hailey Elizabeth....yesterday she called me and told me that her precious angel passed away Thanksgiving Morning.

There are no words to describe my feelings....so many close friends....so many new angel babies......I am still in shock....and weary that yet, another friend has to experience the horrific pain of grief....for a lifetime... So sad that her children have to experience what my children have had to endure... This has been a painful year....

But then....so grateful to know that we are not alone in our grief. Our Savior is by our side and he sends angels to comfort us and give us strength. So grateful that I am a "year out" in my grief so I can offer solace to another bereaved mother...so grateful that my children will be able to offer love to their children in a way that only bereaved children can. So grateful that my husband will be able to reach out his arms of love for his friend...

So if you happen to read this post, Please send your love and prayers to the Leishman family. They will be holding a memorial service tomorrow, Sunday, Nov. 29th at 1:30 in Estero, Florida.

Another Angel Baby

One of my dear friends had to say goodbye to her little angel girl...as her husband so eloquently said it, "she got her wings early." I was in shock when she called and told me the news....I wept and wept...uncontrollably for awhile. I was so heartbroken that she had to share in this terrible pain that feel I everyday. If I could choose, I would never have anyone feel this...I can't even completely explain the feeling, but no one wants to feel this!

I remember those early days of the grief...oh, it's terrible...you just want to die...you just want to not feel anymore...you just want to be with your baby...you can't sleep, you can't eat, you can't think, you can't cook or clean or shop, you can't function normally...you don't want to be alone, you don't want to be with people, you don't want to explain yourself, you want people to talk to you, you don't want people to talk to you, you never want to smile or laugh again and it seems impossible that you ever will, you don't want people to treat you differently, you don't want them to never speak of your child, you don't want people to subtract how many children you have, you are so tired and exhausted, you want time to reverse, you want to just fade away.... the list could go on and on...


I have been functioning so much better lately...but I do have days that all I want to do is cry...and now I cry for my friend.........it brings back those early days........


So many tears have I cried, I don't recognize the person that I am sometimes...I feel old, really old...the dark circles have not faded, the wrinkles have increased...I have aged...I look at pictures taken just before this tragedy and I look at pictures now...10 years must have passed...that's what I see...


Please be patient with us grieving moms and dads, we will always be grieving and we will never be the same...just love us for who we are today and who we will be someday.


The following is a poem from my Angel Children Blog...it was posted by one of my fellow Angel moms.


I Lost My Child Today
by Netta Wilson, 1996

I lost my child today.
People came to weep and cry,
As I just sat and stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find words to say,
To try and make the pain go away,
I walked the floor in disbelief,
I lost my child today.

I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went away,
Some still call and some still stay.
I wait to wake up from this dream.
This can't be real. I want to scream.
Yet everything is locked inside,God, help me, I want to die.
I lost my child last month.

I lost my child last year.
Now people who had come, have gone.
I sit and struggle all day long.
To bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just question, Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song.
Good heavens, it has been so long.
I lost my child last year.

Time has not moved on for me.
The numbness it has disappeared.
My eyes have now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face,"She must move on and leave this place."
Yet I am trapped right here in time,
The songs the same, as is the rhyme,
I lost my child......Today.